You don't want to read this fanfic
by Ticiri
Summary: It's not easy to find a place to sit in a full tavern, so three strangers become very close in just one evening. Join in on the crackfic!


Thorin Oakenshield walked into a tavern, tired after the long walk of the day. He sat down by a rather large table. Well everything is large for him, since he is a dwarf, but this table could seat like four people. Since he is only one, this was a lot, but there were nowhere else to sit. The maid walked up to him and asked for his order. "Ha'f a pint an' a piece of bread" he said in a manly fashion, for he was very manly. When he got his beer he took the biggest, manliest sip, which most of the beer started to spill on his beard. He didn't mind, the smell would just work as a manly perfume and give the beard a glorious shine. (A gloriously manly shine, of course).

When he started on the bread, a wee fellow walked in. He was covered in snow, which Thorin found suspicious. It had been sunny all day, and very warm. He was sweating manly sweat just thinking about it, and needed to drink more beer to cool down. So he did, and the beard just shone even brighter after yet another spill. The snow dude looked around the tavern, every table seated and every table full. Except one. He walked over to where the soaking Thorin sat and gobbled up his bread. The snow dude mumbled something and pointed at the empty chair. Thorin believed he wanted to sit down, so he nodded manly, to show he did not question his sexuality and could share the table with a man, without any problem. The snow dude sat down, and tried to order something, but the maid did not understand his mumbling. That was when the snow dude remembered he had a scarf in front of his mouth. He pulled it off and asked for water and carrots. The maid just nodded, startled by this beauty in front of her. Thorin asked for more beer, half of it was in his belly, and the other half was in his beard, so the cup was empty. The maid just nodded again, still in half shock, and walked away.

The snow dude looked at Thorin and thanked him for letting him sit down. Thorin just nodded and drank more beer, but the cup was still empty, so he didn't. He looked up at the snow dude. He was younger than himself, but taller. He was a human after all. The dude did not have a beard, and Thorin admitted to himself that the dude's unmanly blondness was holding back his fondness. "The name is Kristoff" said the snow dude called Kristoff, taking a bite of a carrot the maid had just placed on the table, while being all shaky. Thorin finally got more beer, so he drank some in a supermanly fashion, to show Kristoff how manly he was. "Thorin Oakenshield, king under the mountain" he said, while placing the cup hard on the table, shaking up the beer, but without spilling it. "That's cool" Kristoff looked at Thorin with a confused face, since he was confused about the way Thorin behaved in a confusing way "I'm working with ice" he said while he slurped a sip of freshly mud water. They didn't say anything for a while, but they had a silent struggle. Only visible by the maid, who always looked at them, even when she faced away. She was weird like that.

Anyway!

Thorin did everything as manly as he could, and Kristoff tried to look the other way, since he did not know what Thorin tried to say, and that made him confused. He ate his carrots, but never finished them. He only ate half of every carrot, and put the rest in a bag, with a cute smile. This made Thorin manly confused, and Thorin did not like Kristoff's smile, and felt sorry for him. For no one could be manly while smiling, except for him. For he is the king under the manly mountain, and is therefore mega manly.

The door opened once again, and in came a gentleman. He also walked over to the table and asked to sit. Kristoff said yes, Thorin nodded. Manly. And still without questioning his sexuality, even though this fellow was a bit manlier than Kristoff. The gentleman sat down, and introduced himself as Mr. Darcy of Pemberley. "I'm Kristoff, and this is Thorin, king under the mellow." "Mountain" Thorin corrected Kristoff, but not in a childish "you so wrong" way, he did it in a gigamanly way, for his way of life was as manly as a tigerlionshark. Darcy nodded gentlemanly, which is also manly, but in a more gentleman way. The maid walked up to the table to take yet another order. She almost fainted by all this testosterone and manliness, but she was a pro and stayed on her feet. This was not the first time she had to hide her fangirling feels. "Do you have any fish?" Darcy asked. "Yes sir, we have salmon and tuna" "Salmon is best" Darcy said. "Tuna it is" said the maid and walked away, but in the wrong direction, and had to walk past the trio again. "Cute girl" Kristoff said "Yeah, too bad I'm married" Darcy said, totally out of character. "Agreed", Thorin agreed manly "I mean the cuteness, I'm not married" he said a bit nervous, but drank some beer and appeared manly enough to not seem nervous. "Not that no one have asked me, I just didn't want to, ya' know. The girls had waaay to much facial hair for mah taste" Thorin told the rest, the beauty ideal in dwarf society was different from humans. But Thorin was out of character, and liked women without beards, or else this story wouldn't work as supposed to. "That one isn't that bad. Too bad I'm dying in the next movie" Thorin nodded his head towards the maiden. She blushed like a thousand fireflies in front of a very red sunset setting behind a red hill. "Amen to that chaps." Darcy said, so out of character that the writer itself began to question his identity.

Anyway!

The maid walked over to them "I'm so sorry, but you three is just so perf. I'm fangirling as hard as I can, and I you all three have stuff I value in a man and stuff. Can't y'all just melt together and create a supermega man who can be the Fergus to my Elinor?"  
"That can be arranged" Thorin said manly drunk, and touch the two others on the shoulders. He touched them a bit sensually, but the other two just thought he was so manly so they didn't notice. They all melted together as one, creating a manly, adorkable gentleman. The maid started to bleed nose blood stuff, and died in the perf creature's arms. The creature started to cry. "I don't like tuna, but you were my new dream" he whispered in her ear. They now live together in hell, since the creature got food poisoning after eating salmon at the funeral. Before that, when only the maiden was dead, everyone on the tavern stared at the dead maiden, except Hiccup and Jack Gleeson, for they were making googly eyes at each other, and the other maid hoped they would make a devilspawn of their own. Since she also wanted to frick frack fictional characters. Or at least people who sort of is them or something. Thea didn't, she was a ghost, and busy smacking her right cheek since there was so much shipping in the air.


End file.
